Sarahisms™ : Love? Lust? Lost!

When it comes to the crunch I’d like to think that I could meet a guy and hold a fully functional relationship.  Alas, I am still a bonafide singleton.  An optimist to say the least, I find myself watching Disney movies like Tangled and indulging within the fantasy that, just like Rapunzel, my tears can magically heal any cracks during the emotional stage of a breakup (an area I have ample experience in).  However, with a bit of hindsight applied, in its 20-20 vision splendor, I realise that life simply doesn’t work that way. More importantly, after both the tears and that stash of Haagan Daaz have been cleared to their last drop, I find myself understanding that, once again, I made a classic relationship mistake – falling in the unforgiving abyss that is between love and lust.

 Quite frankly, I’m lost! 

I mean, how do you know if a relationship, whether it be new or at a crossroads, is worth chasing after? As tempting as Jack and Sawyer may have been in the TV series, being trapped in a real life dating world jungle is no fun. Thus, it has to be admitted, how to differentiate and strike the right balance between love and lust is probably more of a sought-after answer then who was to make the Royal Wedding dress! 

Let’s be honest. I am far from a self-help guru so I won’t just fling all my theories onto every lovelorn or skeptic person reading this.  In saying that, after my varied ventures into the dating world have each fallen flat quicker than an undercooked soufflé, I have sat down and concluded a few facts that may just stop myself, and maybe others, becoming lost again:

1. Be Honest

2. Be Honest

3. Be Honest

Did I mention honesty?

Okay, there are probably a few other things I could mention like loving yourself, waiting for the right –person-who-isn’t-perfect-but-is-somehow-everything-you-wanted-and-more, etcetera, etcetera  but seriously, honesty is all that really matters.  If you want to be with someone (and you’ll know if you do – think abdominal butterfly stampede), actually BE with THEM, as they are, and don’t convince yourself of ‘wanting’ or compromising for anything less. If you do the latter, you’ll only end up with a tortured relationship and hormones in greater freefall than the UK’s economy.   Erm, thanks but no thanks.

Still unconvinced?  Then let me introduce (or re-introduce if you followed me before) you to my self-developed, thoroughly tested philosophy that I like to refer to as Realism with a Smile™, born from a love life that reads better than any Eastenders special.   Buried deep within the cynicism of ‘Modern Relationship 101’ etiquette (where chivalry is supposedly dead) I know that, in time, I will be in a relationship with the hope that all will be well that ends well.   However, I have learnt that, in life, always know the situation you’re dealing with.   NOT by scenario- building in your mind but by asking yourself those all important candid questions.

Realism with a Smile™ is knowing, with a combination of gut instinct and identifying what you want in a partner, where you stand with someone and whether it can go any further.  I’ll use an example if you will allow me. Ladies; imagine you meet a gorgeous man in a club and things develop in a romantic manner. It is not by royal decree that a relationship with him equates to him stopping his partying ways!  The belief of a quick conversion from shots to snuggles is not the way a realist thinks. In the same regard, men; if you meet a beautiful lady in a bar, the hair, nails and body equating to being paid to play FIFA 12, you’ll only be living in the land of the amused if you forcibly wish for her to cater to your needs like a ‘woman’ should, as opposed to her holding more independence than deemed necessary.  The key to these scenarios is the irrational expectation of change.  Yes, over the evolution of a relationship priorities may be altered, but fundamentally when you meet someone, what you see is what you get.  From that, a decision as to whether they are right for you may meet the complexity of human nature but is not impossible.  In a study done by the Social Psychological and Personality Science journal earlier this year  it stated that “..impressions can be accurate with (just) short interactions” and I agree.  After all, the belief is that 80% of all communication is body language and so, if you think you have met the right, or wrong, guy or girl, the greater chance is that your short-term assessment is right.   

Furthermore, you do not, and I repeat do not want to be playing the Assistant role.  Those susceptible to the irrational expectation of change tend to find that after all the ‘investment’ into a relationship, it does not work out.  Moreover, their longing for change has, most likely, built a better character in their other half, opportune for the next guy/girl that comes along to hold a healthy relationship, whilst simultaneously pushing them away from their partner.  Far from this being the concept of an embittered woman, I’ve simply heard the phrase “ I can’t believe he did that” or “She’s causing me stress” on numerous occasions from ‘successful’ relationships to believe this is a valid, and ever increasing, situation.

So there you have it. In a nutshell, adapting a Realism With a Smile™ mentality keeps you hoping for the best but prepared for the world.   Any less than that and you head down South to Lust town, maintain it and it may just lead to love.  But most importantly, somewhere along the line, you just may be a little closer to finding yourself.