SPOTLIGHT: TUMI OLAOSHUN


Giving how much she's impacted my life in such a short space of time, I can't quite pinpoint when I came to know about Miss Tumi Olaoshun.  Like an angel, she found her way into my peripheral (and her book into one of my faves of 2018) just at the right time.  Funny, smart and transparent to a T, Tumi's personality and ability to turn heartbreak into healing is why I had to share her talents on this Spotlight.

Having previously attended her book club, I can testify that Tumi's narrative echos many situations us singletons are experiencing, with her personal journey to writing her first book 'What They Don't Tell You About Being Single' (WTDTY) being the revelatory spark.  Below, we discuss the inspiration behind WTDTY, authoring to a new audience, being 30, single and thriving and building up a generation of women to be better for God.

Tumi The Author

Why WTDTY? 

The honest truth is that God used me to write this book because He wanted to show me how far He had brought me. The process of writing very therapeutic for me and allowed me to share my brokenness and experience with other women. A lot of my mistakes I made because I just didn’t know any better. I had friends and support in the church, but I didn’t think ‘these things’ were the things we should be talking about until it was too late. 

The road to WTDTY

Was I scared? 100%. A lot of my dating faux pas and some of my most painful moments are in that book. But I deeply believe that I needed I do that, to celebrate my coming out on the other side. A lot of people found it almost strange that I had written the book whilst still single. But for me, it was essential that I shared what I had learnt, where I am. I don’t believe that just because I am still single that my experiences are less valid compared to if I was engaged or married. My prayer with this book was that if it helped ONE woman make a better decision, develop a better understanding of herself in Christ, then it would have been worth it.

Educating a new Audience 

The support has been overwhelming, I have been received so much love from married and single readers, women and men. In fact, I have had men message me about how they didn’t really understand it from a women’s point of view. I think they were particularly surprised that it wasn’t a man bashing book or a name and shame. They’ve actually been the ones to recommend my book to other women, that was an unexpected surprise!

Tumi the Woman


Women who do it afraid are the real winners

It took a lot of courage for me to release the book. Up to the last few weeks of release, I had many doubts and anxieties about the thought of my sharing my story from my perspective. I was petrified what people think.  Seven months on, I am so grateful I did. I have found a new strength and boldness in God’s plan for my life. I would also challenge anyone who has been afraid to do something out of their comfort zone, to do it anyway. WTDTY is a prime example of doing it afraid!

Keeping it all the way Intentional

When I first released the book, loads of my friends thought it would “bring all the boys to the yard…” but actually it was been quite the opposite. And that doesn’t worry me. In fact, it has been a relief, because it really sifts out the guys with real intent and the guys who ‘just want to see where it will go’. WTDTY has enabled to be bold about my faith, my requirements in a partner and as time goes by, I am more unapologetic about it. It’s saved me a lot of time!

Tumi to the world

There were many things pre WTDTY I was too shy to talk about. More times than not I am often, when I am posting on @knowingbetterdoingbetter I'm preaching to myself, talking about myself, and hotting myself up (sometimes it has to be done!). But the bigger picture is to challenge this generation of women to be better for God. For so long, I tried to handle my love life in my own strength, I wanted to mix parts of the world, with the best part of the Bible and I wondered often why it awry. I want women to seek themselves in Christ, to be women who fight in prayer for their future, themselves and their dreams. I have experienced first-hand the healing and wholeness that is available in Christ Jesus, and I am desperate to maintain that wholeness, especially in the area of relationships.

Tumi in 3 Words?


Passionate, Committed & Loyal 


Whew Tumi!  Got to love an inspirational woman ❤

You can follow Tumi on Instagram (@knowingbetterdoingbetter) or purchase 'What They Don't Tell You About Being Single' here: e-book | hardback .

Tickets to She Doesn't Understand, Tumi's first live conference, can be bought here ; be quick, tickets are nearly sold out!

SBisms™: The Intentional Series Vol. 5









At one point in my life, I wanted to go. I thought “Anything is better than experiencing this ache in my heart, this utter feeling of worthlessness”. To see that sentence in words still breaks my heart a little. But to bring the final Vol of #TheIntentionalSeries took a certain type of bravery that I want to encourage in those who have shared this journey with me. Being honest, I think that’s why it’s taken me so long to write it. Truly, I have taken a few hits from men in my days of dating. From disgust at my weight, to questioning my creativity. A disregard of my concerns and a displeasure at my emotions. I’ve experienced the bad, the worst and that one person who truly breaks you. Thank God for God though. 

 To write about how to deal with heartbreak when in your dating season, should you have experienced it in any form, would be ill-advised. Over my years of dating I have learnt that, whilst similarities are shared in actions, each situation holds its uniqueness in who has experienced it. Hands up if your friends, with the best intentions, have given you advice during a break up and in your head you’ve still told them to f-ck off. Yeah, it’s that real. Instead I’ll talk about my journey, in the hope that somewhere in the next 831 words, you’ll find the strength you need to start the healing process for good. 
I was never good with rejection. Not that I was ever ballsy enough to pursue a man. If a guy who I liked showed a mutual interest, to then take it away, I would whip myself into a frenzy of sleepless nights wondering what went wrong. I wasn’t perfect; growing pains and cowardice have driven me to make decisions in the past which have hurt others. But, more often that not, I was always the more willing party to deal with the mistakes and try to fix things. My biggest mistake, however, was internalising each instance something went wrong. Somehow, the problem would always come back to me. I was angry at how I had been treated but even more so that I had allowed it to happen; the older I got, the less I forgave myself. Mid-last year I wrote about a turning point in my life that I thought took me a huge leap forward in my healing process. Little did I know it was just the beginning. I wanted to further take ownership of where my own and others’ past flaws had scarred me, so I began to see a therapist. I don’t think I’ve cried so much in a 6-month period. Tough is an understatement. Having to be wholeheartedly honest about how much I was still hurting. How lowly I saw myself at times. Trying to accept that, in some of the circumstances, I’d never receive the closure I felt I needed. How was I to move forward with no clarity?? Here’s the thing.. you just do. I know, easiest said then done, but heartbreak’s greatest ally is impatience. Whether it be love, lust or even just an intense 24 hours which has impacted you, our minds need time to recover. What I appreciated from my therapy sessions was speaking to an impartial person that made me realise that your first priority is kindness to self. And after heartbreak, that takes time. But it’s not impossible. 

So I began to communicate with others more. Baring my vulnerability and the fact that this pain was here and wasn’t going away easily to my closest friends and family. I didn’t know how they would deal with it, given they’d always known me to be the energetic one, but they, in turn, surprised me with their love and own war stories. My heartbreak has brought some of the best people closer to me in my life. I took more time to do what I love. It comes with its challenges, pursuing a passion when you’re at one of your lowest time but it reminded me that I could still experience another form of happiness. A sheer moment of delight at something that you’ve created does more to you that a lot of people appreciate. To quote a great song “you can use a broken heart to heal a broken love”. I prayed. A lot. God has been an anchor to me like no one. It wasn’t just the ‘structured’ prayers either; it was the snotty-nosed, tears-streaming kind, the informal chats I never thought I could have with the Creator. One of my favourite scriptures was, and is still, Psalm 27:14:

 When it felt like there was very little to hold onto, I held onto the thought that there would be more. In time I also realised that newness would come when I was ready for it. No magic tricks. No get better quick. Just preparing for something new and learning, finally, to be kind to myself. 
Like they say, the proof is truly in the pudding. In the last 6 weeks, I’ve been challenged on what I learnt in therapy and in life in various ways, including by the one that broke me. The exchange you see above took place last month was with a guy who I had previously really liked but things didn’t work out. Honestly, a year ago, his words would have caused more damage than good, whatever his intentions were. But my understanding of knowing where I want to be has helped me appreciate the person I’m shaping into in the interim. More importantly, who I want to open myself to will see it all; the growing with the growth. If there is one thing I want every reader to take from this Vol, and the #IntentionalSeries as a whole, it is this: the operative word in your journey is ‘your’. Yes, others will feed into it. They may make you laugh, they make you cry, they may tear your down or lift you up. But the outcomes will always be unique from others because... well, it’s you. And you’re unique. To bring it full circle I’ll quote myself from Vol 1: “In whatever form it takes, we all deserve true happiness and peace but we firstly hold the ability to make that happen”. Own that.

If you've enjoyed reading this please follow @lifewithoutspanxs or the hashtag #TheIntentionalSeries. All opinions and interactions are welcome; let’s get a discussion going!

SB xx

CLICK HERE FOR VOL 1 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Be Intentional
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 2 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: The Importance of Chemistry
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 3 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Making The First Move
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 4 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: The 101 (the basics of dating)

SBisms™: The Intentional Series Vol. 4



Wildlings. Wildlings. Wildlings.  How many times did I write it? Three times.  Why? Because they are 3D real.  The folk in Game of Thrones are child’s play compared to these lot. Their sweet talk, sexy moves and smooth actions can have you body-popping and feeling like Michael Jackson when, really, they have you looking more basic than Chris Tucker’s back-up dancer on a bootleg copy of Rush Hour 3. Wildlings aren’t attributed to one gender; rather, their sole purpose is secure the fuckery bag; a combination of attaining their higgy-hagga goals whilst passing on the L. In this dating ‘jungle’ it’s easy to be scarred by their actions, whether with simple dates or, even worse, in relationships.  However, being twenty-forever (a phrase the pre-90s readers will appreciate) I’ve learnt a fair few things in my time which I’ve slowly laid down as foundation (after a few false starts, believe me!) to stay wildling-free. As I said in Vol 1, I want The Intentional Series to contribute to a new conversation which simply keeps it 100%.  So, below are a few tips which have helped me thus far.  

Trust Your Intuition

Intuition, by definition, is the process that bridges the gap between the non-conscious part of our mind (that inexplicable sensation or feeling you have towards a situation), and the conscious part which assesses facts and evidence.  In dating terms, your potential partner may be saying all the right things but your spidey senses are still tingling.  Don’t dismiss the feeling in its entirety! It is important that a balance of facts and feelings are weighed but, in our modern dating society, we are much more susceptible to pushing down our intuition all in the name of ‘my type of paper’ and ‘aspirational relationship goals’. 

My best example of this was talking to a guy over a fair few months (let’s call him Mr My Type).  Now, Mr My Type was a-bout it; sexy, intelligent, God-fearing, good job, and he made me laugh.  Whilst we had very different personalities, our conversation flowed through the DMs, Whatsapp & Facetime.  Man, I was h’excited! We eventually met up and when we kissed..! However, just under a week after, Mr My Type went 180 and disappeared on me.  From past experience, I’d learnt to ask rather than to assume and I (nervously) enquired why the comms had cooled down.  The way my ass got gas-lit on fire, word to Busta Rhymes! He told me it was in my mind and not to think too hard about it.  Against my better judgement I pushed it to the back of my mind, playing it cool but secretly hoping he’d realise I was the Right to his Type.  Months passed and things started to heat up again.. only for me to find out not only did he now have a girlfriend but they’d started to see each other when I first spoke!  I was like “What in the Stevie J and Peter Gunz is this?!”. Needless to say, I learnt my lesson there.

It’s said our intuition is what we have unconsciously taken in from our experiences, surroundings and learnings, even if it’s been experienced by a third party.  Either way, it’s not as foundation-less as the less scrupulous would have us believe.  I’m definitely not saying to feed into your neurosis and dismiss a potential partner at the slightest wrong turn (bad experiences can do that to you) but your intuition has your back; listen to what it says.


If you want to live your best life, do it with honesty

I’ve touched on this a few times on Life Without Spanxs: when I was first on my learning curve of love (Deuces to #NoFlirtFebruary) and, more recently, Vol 3 of The Intentional Series:  it 👏🏿 is 👏🏿 okay 👏🏿 to 👏🏿 live 👏🏿 your 👏🏿 best 👏🏿 life. 👏🏿! Yes, I am an advocate for being intentional.  As I said in Vol 1, being intentional is the decisions you make and the actions you take for the peace you gain, and I would not be writing if I didn’t think that peace was attainable.  How-ever. Everyone’s growth curve is different and, with that, their ability to have a fulfilling relationship can be hindered. It’s understandable if you want to gently test the waters to understand what you’re looking for. What you will not do, though, is recklessly splash the waters with your metaphorically bulbous stomach heaving with greed, lies and zero accountability; issa no from life boo! Quite simply, if you’re not looking for anything serious, be honest.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate the more candid of the opposite sex.  Not so much their Peter Pan behaviour at times but more just the balls to say it as it is. If the potential doesn’t want to engage, as they’ll likely tell you, there are other who will.  So clear the path and keep it moving. Ladies, a kicker for you too; you ALWAYS have a choice.  Yes, I know he is certified fire in the booth and his other words are sweet like honey.  But let’s keep it all the way up; if he’s told you straight how it is, understand you are the rule to that and let HIM make you the exception to his ways, not the other way round
Never Internalise
Given the emphasis of dating in modern society is greater than ever before, when things don’t go well, it’s easy to fall into the Emotional Reasoning thinking trap.  Essentially, this is when “we assume the way we feel is the way things really are, not looking at the situation objectively or taking in to account all elements1”.  This can have overwhelming long term effects on future relationships, and even interactions. So, please, never internalise when you’re hurt.  Whether it’s a friend, a therapist, a charity (Relate are amazing with this) or just writing down your thoughts. It’s better in that out hun. 


You could also be like me and send the above 😉.  Given, this is not my norm but it was highly therapeutic (as aforementioned) as, sometimes, the person is just mad and has had no one to tell them!

Don’t monetise the memories
Going back to types, I’m pretty sure the majority of ladies reading this have met a Mr Moolah or for the men, you've become one for a potential lady. I’m talking earning (non-fraudulent) good money and knowing how to subtlety spend it on the finer things in life. Lis-ten. It is not indicative of intent! I had one of the best dates of my life with my Mr Moolah and he spending the cash to match.  He also broke up with me publicly so as to avoid any emotions. Twice. (I was a true believer in second chances.  Not so much anymore!). This is 100% a subject for wider discussion because money and dating… whew chile!  But ultimately, seek your own adventures.  Of course, there is joy in being treated, especially when you are being wooed, or wanting to woo.  However, money will never beat strength of character.  If you truly are looking for something intentional, focus primarily on that and the memories that come with it.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will wildlings flee in the same amount of time. Habits aren’t easier to change but I hope some of my learnings become your own, should you find yourself in situations where you feel unsure.  Mainly, I promise, if you’re going through it now, it does get better.  Winter shall not come for us no more!

SB xx 

If you've enjoyed reading this please follow @lifewithoutspanxs or the hashtag #TheIntentionalSeries. All opinions and interactions are welcome; let’s get a discussion going!


1Psychology Today (Avoid Thinking Traps)

CLICK HERE FOR VOL 1 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Be Intentional
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 2 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: The Importance of Chemistry
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 3 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Making The First Move

CLICK HERE FOR VOL 5 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Everyday is Therapy (dealing with heartbreak and going to therapy)

SBisms™: The Intentional Series Vol. 3



87 words. 3 profiles. One click. In logical terms, that’s all it’ll take to turn the above paragraph into shooting Lebron-scale shots into the hoops of three eligible bachelors I’ve been admiring for a while. Whilst my words are an amalgamation of why I’m interested in these three men *insert cheeky face here*, the sentiments are the same. I would body-pop with (silent) excitement if I were to go on a date with any one of them. However, in this current dating climate, the conversion to “let’s go on a date” seems less likely than if Lebron asked me out himself. Which leads me to the wider question of the lead up to the date; more specifically, making the first move. 

 The many ‘definitions’ of making the first move 

 I come from the school of thought that men should make the first move. From my experience, half the fun for men is in the pursuit, in addition to most men (but not all!) becoming more decisive about their feelings if they roll up to a lady first (or slide in the DMs, word to Yo Gotti). However, it seems some of us ladies (but not all!) haven’t been very kind over the years. I cannot deny, the stories I’ve heard from friends give new meaning to the word swerve. So I appreciate where men may be reluctant to instigate conversation. However, where I am harlem shaking in annoyance is the alternative methods that seem to have crept up in recent years. Let me list a few: 
  • > “I’m Still Assessing” : So you’ve made a few comments on the grid. Slid in the DMs on a conversational p with flirting to match. But after a month it’s still “Hi, WYD?”. Darling, this is not Israelite journey to relationship. Please grab your meat and two veg, make a judgement call and your intentions known! (Disclaimer: if you have a partner, and you want to slide in the DM in the same manner, don’t. Keep the same energy and write it on the grid. Put some respect on your relationship’s name!) 

  • > Snapchat : Bros, I’m going to need you to ask for the number with your chest. If you’re asking sis for the Snapchat with a serious intent, trust me she doesn’t feel the same. It’s either you’re angling for the nudes or she’s angling for some Loubs but you’re both going to lose. 

  • > Hot & Cold on the Comms: Many a time, good women have been dissed and dismissed by a lack of consistent communication. If no one has told you before, let me spell it out for you; when you say you’re busy and/or show minimal effort, we’re going to take it as you’re not really interested and/or you’re not ready for a serious relationship. So really, what are you doing with your In’N’Out chat? I can’t speak for all, but for the good, kind, considerate women still out there, we’re not the burger joint that you can dip in and out, quick and messy. Bih. Make the effort if you’re really interested from the onset or keep it Kanye cancelled. 


Ladies, however,  it’s not all down to the men (Shock! Horror! A woman is committing this belief to writing!). Some of this non-committal behaviour has stemmed from the actions (or reactions) we’ve had. I’m guilty of some of these things myself so no finger pointing here, just a few truths to be admitted: 
  • > Say what you mean & mean what you say: We’ve all had it ; a guy comes up to you and strikes up a conversation, eventually asking for your number but you know, even if you’re single, your heart is booked and busy. Be honest and say no (politely of course). I know, some guys are mad persistent, but if you don’t have the determination whilst you’re single, how do you build the habit when you’re in a relationship? Two of the many things I’ve learnt over the years are 1. Our intuition rarely fails us and 2. What God has meant for us will never elude us. So don’t be a waste-his-time!

  • > “This ain’t it”: So you’ve completely ignored my advice and given him your number (or possibly you were on the fence, I can accept both :P). Once you’re sure that this ain’t it - be honest and let them know. Whether male or female, “people who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel”1. Ladies, let’s hold ourselves here to the same standards we scream men should meet; when it’s not working for you, cut the chapter short and, more importantly, tell them why. 

  •  > “Hungry ain’t happy”: Have you ever gone on a date simply because you know he’ll take you somewhere fancy and pay? I have. Ended up in Zizzi and he wore Nike Air Force 1s because we were going somewhere ‘fancy’. Let’s not do it to ourselves. I’ll refer to Vol. 2 of the Intentional Series here; the level of interest should stems from the person not what they offer. Not only are you essentially wasting your own time if things don’t work out, you could be playing with someone’s future happiness, as could another with your future partner. Hold yourself to the level of Queen you are and can be.

 Making The First Move: Just for the men? 

 Now we’ve got that out the way, back to shooting your shot. Again, I come from the school of thought that men should make the first move. How-ever. There is room for a woman to take the lead without disturbing the natural balance. Case in point: my experience with #BusBae (I do love a good Bae story 😉). 

 On the way to work one day (looking a fresh mess by the way), I encountered a guy who was, quite literally, gorgeous. Let me tell you, that beard alone would have made hair follicles worldwide proud. I wasn’t brave enough to speak to him, but I did (unashamedly) take a little snippet of him to a. prove to myself I wasn’t dreaming and b. give hope to some of the forlorn ladies that this level of symmetrical beauty still exists. Okay, I play, but I had to share my discovery with others. This was duly rewarded with not only a friend knowing who he was but a chance to connect with him on the ‘gram. Honestly, I ummmed and ahhhhed about whether to add his profile; it would be obvious I’d done it for an aesthetic reason, given that I didn’t know him nor was he in the public forum. Then I paused. Here was a guy I was into and could potentially have something in common with and he didn’t know who I was. Why not give him the opportunity to see if he liked me too? By no means was I planning to then bombard him with messages (although he did like my witty line when we connected – result!) but there is still grace in positioning and openness. 

  I know this is not fresh news to some of the ladies reading this. However, if you’re like me, I do think there is still more scope for us to widen the opportunity for men to make the first move, especially when we actually want them to. Whilst rejection is not completely off the table, it gives both parties, if nothing else, the chance to have an enlightening conversation with someone new. Should nothing come of it; that’s okay. Trust me, there is something to be learnt in every experience. I didn’t necessarily get the exact response I wanted from #BusBae but the situation showed me that positive things can happen if you are willing to try something different. Even if it goes left, you can always be proud you tried something new. 


 So what’s the conclusion for #Vol3? Men, don’t let rejection get the better of you. There are women (like me!) who still respect a man for trying. Trust me, I know it’s not easy, but your boldness will be rewarded. Ladies, let’s be open. Not just in our understanding of self, and trusting our intuition, but creating opportunities for guys to make the first move. Or even making it yourself if that’s what you want to do; no shame in your game! Remember, ladies and gents; got to have something to tell the kids.

If you've enjoyed reading this please follow @lifewithoutspanxs or the hashtag #TheIntentionalSeries. All opinions and interactions are welcome; let’s get a discussion going!
SB xx
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 1 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Be Intentional
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 2 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: The Importance of Chemistry
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 4 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: The 101 (the basics of dating)
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 5 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Everyday is Therapy (dealing with heartbreak and going to therapy)

Sources:1 Psychology Today - This is why ghosting hurts so much

SBisms™: The Intentional Series Vol. 2






What do TLC, Sir-Mix-A-Lot and Aaliyah have in common?  At some stage in their musical career, they’ve all sang about me.  Yes, I confess:  I can be a bit of a creep, I like butts and I cannot lie and age ain’t nothing but a number… between 27 and 35 though because, you know, I’m still someone’s auntie. But tall, bearded, and chocolate-covered? Darling, you had me at breathing. My preferences have been refined over the years (thank God I’ve overcome the ‘Men-doing-acrobats-with-the-English-language’ season) but one element I will debate until the end is the necessity for chemistry.  Why, you ask?  Let me delve in using 3 core elements.

PHYSICALITY

Have you ever met someone and felt an instant attraction? Somewhat intense, no? Or the opposite, where the person is ‘your type on paper’ but something just isn’t clicking? Chemistry, fundamentally, is biological.  Whilst human nature may spark lust at first sight (testosterone and estrogen striving for that family tree!), what ultimately drives us to actively pursue a partner are the much more intentional dopamine and norepinephrine.  Like achieving a personal best at the gym or meeting a work goal, our brain rewards us with these “chemical claps” when we feel we’ve achieved something.  In this case, being with someone you are actively interested in, rather than auntie Ronke’s Oga of the Week or an easy beat, adds more to you.  Don’t feel like you have to settle or devalue your ability to have something real; you’re a premium ting!  One of my favourite experiences of this was the last guy I felt an instant attraction to.  If you know me, you’ll know I am a chatty patty at the best of times but I was rendered so speechless I couldn’t even say his name properly. A group of us hung out over the course of two nights; 3 playlists, 2 shots of patrons and one swimming pool later, we shared a steamy kiss that I still think of and smile.  Whilst pursuing him was far from my mind, I did feel comfortable to share my attraction with him, no reciprocal required, and it actually opened up admission and action on his part – result!

Mild kiss-memory digression aside, where the physicality of attraction bears some fruit, I do also advocate that chemistry cannot remain purely biological.  To continue any interaction just on physical attraction has no real longevity, which is where mentality comes into play.

MENTALITY

Before I’m bashed with heckles of “hypocrisy!”, let me preemptively counteract with one word: balance. Like the quote above, chemistry can be rewarding in its purest form but what gives it its true purpose is its emotional counterpart. In the same way we are all deserving of physical chemistry, emotionally being attuned with someone brings depth to your interactions.  To quote Uncle Ne-Yo “a movement by myself, a force when we’re together”.  However, this comes with the right frame on mind.  Bringing #SwimBae back in the mix (he’d love that), whilst that foundational chemistry was A1, emotionally we clicked in some areas and were polarised in others. However, what I think was our biggest learning curve was understanding that chemistry or attraction, is not for power play.  I remember attending an amazing programme called Relate in 2016 and Pastor Bimbo saying a sentence that has stayed with me ever since; “There are relationships that are independent, there are relationships that are dependent.  What you want is a relationship which is interdependent”.  

 To allow emotional chemistry to flourish, there will be elements of vulnerability to the other person.  This can be hard, especially if you’ve been hurt by a sexy something in the past but learn from that past experience! Become a stronger person from it, confident in what you need and whether you yourself possess it. Then, in time, allow yourself to be open to another. Don’t play it safe, or worse, reach for someone who will not challenge you and help you develop.  Let’s create synergy in our interactions; we’re all capable of it.   

SPIRITUALLY

Be it demonstrated through man-made poetry or biblically, a part of the chemistry we feel is evoked from our spirit to fulfill a loving courtship.  Don’t let any Auntie Ronke hype your spirit into believing otherwise o!   The examples I draw to for this is the Woman in the book of Song of Solomon.  From the very beginning of their courtship, the Woman is very expressive of her attraction to her partner; 
which is reciprocated by her King:

Firstly; d’aww!  But more importantly, this is a clear example of chemistry being a driving force from their first interaction to their marriage.  Even with her insecurity in being accepted by the King, she still pressed forward and, yes, sis secured the bag! With the challenges that can arise from attraction and lust, I understand why some err to the side of caution.  However, chemistry as a whole is not the issue, but a lack of understanding of needing that balance between physically being attracted to someone and emotionally going at the right pace.  Let’s not be dismissive of attraction as a spiritual narrative but rather gain our own understanding of chemistry and how it can be developed healthily.  I’ll end this element on this scripture:
God’s got you, boo.


So let’s conclude; we’re down with che-mis-try? I hope this answer is “yeah, you know me!”. Chemistry is not just physical, nor emotional and not doused in sin.  The multifaceted nature of attraction allows for everyone to make it their own.  What’s essential to understand is the role chemistry plays in developing better relationships.  

If you've enjoyed reading this please follow @lifewithoutspanxs or the hashtag #TheIntentionalSeries. All opinions and interactions are welcome; let’s get a discussion going!

SB xx

 Sources: Harvard University (Physicality), Psychology Today (Mentality)

 CLICK HERE FOR VOL 1 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Be Intentional
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 3 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Making The First Move
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 4 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: The 101 (the basics of dating)
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 5 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Everyday is Therapy (dealing with heartbreak and going to therapy)
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