SBism™: Am I Allowed to take the Crown?



2018 has been an amazing shit year so far. 
No, the grammatical flaw, oxymoronic phrasing and swift use of profanity is not by sheer accident. I’ve found undiluted joy in throwing away new clothes and cried silently at night during the best holiday of my life. The confusion is HD real. Like a sledgehammer, 29 swung into my life. I like the terminology “29 Like Fine Wine”. However, I certainly needed a few moments to overcome the bottle repeatedly smashing into my proverbial skull before drinking the sweet mind-altering liquid  (she writes, on day 12 of her 30-day detox). It’s all one and the same though.


Referred to some as the ‘Golden year’, my new age came with sobering thoughts of what’s next before the big 3-0. Not that I can solely attribute my feelings to my messy birthday celebration and sunglasses-and-Advil filled PPD (that’s Post Party Discussion for those not yet used to my acronym-filled vocabulary). February had me step up to new and scarily unfamiliar work challenges, March; betrayed and broken-hearted by a friend. April... well, the aforementioned crying, late night texting and sudden realisations sumed that bad boy birthday month all the way up. But I cannot lament over the first part of this convoluted year. At my big old age, wahala, or challenges, cannot come without looking for the lessons learnt. Mine was a sombre pill to swallow; in the years leading to this moment I had become fearful.

Reliant on the opinions of others.

Fiercely protective of my heart from those equally scarred.


Shamefully accepting of my continuous internal narrative of not being good enough; good enough to lead, good enough to be loved. 



There are many things to be said about the Spirit. One of my favourite scriptures is Philippians 4:6-7:
 “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” 
In the two instances where my great challenge came to light (watching a loved one hit a milestone from afar and seeing a past crush deal with an achingly familiar situation), there was a wave of calm which immediately cloaked what would normally send me into a painfully dark spiral. Growing pains are universal. Even the smallest of steps shapes our future actions. If I held on to this fear, this challenge which had slowly driven me to take Panadol for a non-existent headache, I would allow my internal narrative to become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I would not be able to lead nor be loved because... well, because I’d be too boxed up to lead and punch out the lights of the guy attempting to love me.


Forgive and forget. Three words which hold so much weight in this day and age. Words, I’m sure some of you have also struggled with. What I can say is, going into the 2nd quarter, these are words that will open a world some of you didn’t even realised was closed. There’s no aligned route to which people take to get there. Hopefully, I have not destroyed precious bridges in coming to my own realisation now. But it’s helped me make some pretty big decisions, ones that will shape my future for sure. I encourage anyone reading this, if you haven’t already, to do the same. Of course, no man or woman could try to take me for an original dickhead; that time has come and gone fo’ real, fo’ real. I do know, however, that the next 9 months will finally lay some of these fears to rest. I will, by the grace of God, be allowed to take the Crown.

SB xx

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