SBisms™: The Intentional Series Vol. 5

At one point in my life, I wanted to go. I thought “Anything is better than experiencing this ache in my heart, this utter feeling of worthlessness”. To see that sentence in words still breaks my heart a little. But to bring the final Vol of #TheIntentionalSeries took a certain type of bravery that I want to encourage in those who have shared this journey with me. Being honest, I think that’s why it’s taken me so long to write it. Truly, I have taken a few hits from men in my days of dating. From disgust at my weight, to questioning my creativity. A disregard of my concerns and a displeasure at my emotions. I’ve experienced the bad, the worst and that one person who truly breaks you. Thank God for God though. 

To write about how to deal with heartbreak when in your dating season, should you have experienced it in any form, would be ill-advised. Over my years of dating I have learnt that, whilst similarities are shared in actions, each situation holds its uniqueness in who has experienced it. Hands up if your friends, with the best intentions, have given you advice during a break up and in your head you’ve still told them to f-ck off. Yeah, it’s that real. Instead I’ll talk about my journey, in the hope that somewhere in the next 831 words, you’ll find the strength you need to start the healing process for good. 

I was never good with rejection. Not that I was ever ballsy enough to pursue a man. If a guy who I liked showed a mutual interest, to then take it away, I would whip myself into a frenzy of sleepless nights wondering what went wrong. I wasn’t perfect; growing pains and cowardice have driven me to make decisions in the past which have hurt others. But, more often that not, I was always the more willing party to deal with the mistakes and try to fix things. My biggest mistake, however, was internalising each instance something went wrong. Somehow, the problem would always come back to me. I was angry at how I had been treated but even more so that I had allowed it to happen; the older I got, the less I forgave myself. Mid-last year I wrote about a turning point in my life that I thought took me a huge leap forward in my healing process. Little did I know it was just the beginning. I wanted to further take ownership of where my own and others’ past flaws had scarred me, so I began to see a therapist. I don’t think I’ve cried so much in a 6-month period. Tough is an understatement. Having to be wholeheartedly honest about how much I was still hurting. How lowly I saw myself at times. Trying to accept that, in some of the circumstances, I’d never receive the closure I felt I needed. How was I to move forward with no clarity?? Here’s the thing.. you just do. I know, easiest said then done, but heartbreak’s greatest ally is impatience. Whether it be love, lust or even just an intense 24 hours which has impacted you, our minds need time to recover. What I appreciated from my therapy sessions was speaking to an impartial person that made me realise that your first priority is kindness to self. And after heartbreak, that takes time. But it’s not impossible. 


So I began to communicate with others more. Baring my vulnerability and the fact that this pain was here and wasn’t going away easily to my closest friends and family. I didn’t know how they would deal with it, given they’d always known me to be the energetic one, but they, in turn, surprised me with their love and own war stories. My heartbreak has brought some of the best people closer to me in my life. I took more time to do what I love. It comes with its challenges, pursuing a passion when you’re at one of your lowest time but it reminded me that I could still experience another form of happiness. A sheer moment of delight at something that you’ve created does more to you that a lot of people appreciate. To quote a great song “you can use a broken heart to heal a broken love”. I prayed. A lot. God has been an anchor to me like no one. It wasn’t just the ‘structured’ prayers either; it was the snotty-nosed, tears-streaming kind, the informal chats I never thought I could have with the Creator. One of my favourite scriptures was, and is still, Psalm 27:14:

When it felt like there was very little to hold onto, I held onto the thought that there would be more. In time I also realised that newness would come when I was ready for it. No magic tricks. No get better quick. Just preparing for something new and learning, finally, to be kind to myself. 

Like they say, the proof is truly in the pudding. In the last 6 weeks, I’ve been challenged on what I learnt in therapy and in life in various ways, including by the one that broke me. The exchange you see above took place last month was with a guy who I had previously really liked but things didn’t work out. Honestly, a year ago, his words would have caused more damage than good, whatever his intentions were. But my understanding of knowing where I want to be has helped me appreciate the person I’m shaping into in the interim. More importantly, who I want to open myself to will see it all; the growing with the growth. If there is one thing I want every reader to take from this Vol, and the #IntentionalSeries as a whole, it is this: the operative word in your journey is ‘your’. Yes, others will feed into it. They may make you laugh, they make you cry, they may tear your down or lift you up. But the outcomes will always be unique from others because... well, it’s you. And you’re unique. To bring it full circle I’ll quote myself from Vol 1: “In whatever form it takes, we all deserve true happiness and peace but we firstly hold the ability to make that happen”. Own that.