SBisms™: The Intentional Series Vol. 4



Wildlings. Wildlings. Wildlings.  How many times did I write it? Three times.  Why? Because they are 3D real.  The folk in Game of Thrones are child’s play compared to these lot. Their sweet talk, sexy moves and smooth actions can have you body-popping and feeling like Michael Jackson when, really, they have you looking more basic than Chris Tucker’s back-up dancer on a bootleg copy of Rush Hour 3. Wildlings aren’t attributed to one gender; rather, their sole purpose is secure the fuckery bag; a combination of attaining their higgy-hagga goals whilst passing on the L. In this dating ‘jungle’ it’s easy to be scarred by their actions, whether with simple dates or, even worse, in relationships.  However, being twenty-forever (a phrase the pre-90s readers will appreciate) I’ve learnt a fair few things in my time which I’ve slowly laid down as foundation (after a few false starts, believe me!) to stay wildling-free. As I said in Vol 1, I want The Intentional Series to contribute to a new conversation which simply keeps it 100%.  So, below are a few tips which have helped me thus far.  

Trust Your Intuition

Intuition, by definition, is the process that bridges the gap between the non-conscious part of our mind (that inexplicable sensation or feeling you have towards a situation), and the conscious part which assesses facts and evidence.  In dating terms, your potential partner may be saying all the right things but your spidey senses are still tingling.  Don’t dismiss the feeling in its entirety! It is important that a balance of facts and feelings are weighed but, in our modern dating society, we are much more susceptible to pushing down our intuition all in the name of ‘my type of paper’ and ‘aspirational relationship goals’. 

My best example of this was talking to a guy over a fair few months (let’s call him Mr My Type).  Now, Mr My Type was a-bout it; sexy, intelligent, God-fearing, good job, and he made me laugh.  Whilst we had very different personalities, our conversation flowed through the DMs, Whatsapp & Facetime.  Man, I was h’excited! We eventually met up and when we kissed..! However, just under a week after, Mr My Type went 180 and disappeared on me.  From past experience, I’d learnt to ask rather than to assume and I (nervously) enquired why the comms had cooled down.  The way my ass got gas-lit on fire, word to Busta Rhymes! He told me it was in my mind and not to think too hard about it.  Against my better judgement I pushed it to the back of my mind, playing it cool but secretly hoping he’d realise I was the Right to his Type.  Months passed and things started to heat up again.. only for me to find out not only did he now have a girlfriend but they’d started to see each other when I first spoke!  I was like “What in the Stevie J and Peter Gunz is this?!”. Needless to say, I learnt my lesson there.

It’s said our intuition is what we have unconsciously taken in from our experiences, surroundings and learnings, even if it’s been experienced by a third party.  Either way, it’s not as foundation-less as the less scrupulous would have us believe.  I’m definitely not saying to feed into your neurosis and dismiss a potential partner at the slightest wrong turn (bad experiences can do that to you) but your intuition has your back; listen to what it says.


If you want to live your best life, do it with honesty

I’ve touched on this a few times on Life Without Spanxs: when I was first on my learning curve of love (Deuces to #NoFlirtFebruary) and, more recently, Vol 3 of The Intentional Series:  it 👏🏿 is 👏🏿 okay 👏🏿 to 👏🏿 live 👏🏿 your 👏🏿 best 👏🏿 life. 👏🏿! Yes, I am an advocate for being intentional.  As I said in Vol 1, being intentional is the decisions you make and the actions you take for the peace you gain, and I would not be writing if I didn’t think that peace was attainable.  How-ever. Everyone’s growth curve is different and, with that, their ability to have a fulfilling relationship can be hindered. It’s understandable if you want to gently test the waters to understand what you’re looking for. What you will not do, though, is recklessly splash the waters with your metaphorically bulbous stomach heaving with greed, lies and zero accountability; issa no from life boo! Quite simply, if you’re not looking for anything serious, be honest.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate the more candid of the opposite sex.  Not so much their Peter Pan behaviour at times but more just the balls to say it as it is. If the potential doesn’t want to engage, as they’ll likely tell you, there are other who will.  So clear the path and keep it moving. Ladies, a kicker for you too; you ALWAYS have a choice.  Yes, I know he is certified fire in the booth and his other words are sweet like honey.  But let’s keep it all the way up; if he’s told you straight how it is, understand you are the rule to that and let HIM make you the exception to his ways, not the other way round
Never Internalise
Given the emphasis of dating in modern society is greater than ever before, when things don’t go well, it’s easy to fall into the Emotional Reasoning thinking trap.  Essentially, this is when “we assume the way we feel is the way things really are, not looking at the situation objectively or taking in to account all elements1”.  This can have overwhelming long term effects on future relationships, and even interactions. So, please, never internalise when you’re hurt.  Whether it’s a friend, a therapist, a charity (Relate are amazing with this) or just writing down your thoughts. It’s better in that out hun. 


You could also be like me and send the above 😉.  Given, this is not my norm but it was highly therapeutic (as aforementioned) as, sometimes, the person is just mad and has had no one to tell them!

Don’t monetise the memories
Going back to types, I’m pretty sure the majority of ladies reading this have met a Mr Moolah or for the men, you've become one for a potential lady. I’m talking earning (non-fraudulent) good money and knowing how to subtlety spend it on the finer things in life. Lis-ten. It is not indicative of intent! I had one of the best dates of my life with my Mr Moolah and he spending the cash to match.  He also broke up with me publicly so as to avoid any emotions. Twice. (I was a true believer in second chances.  Not so much anymore!). This is 100% a subject for wider discussion because money and dating… whew chile!  But ultimately, seek your own adventures.  Of course, there is joy in being treated, especially when you are being wooed, or wanting to woo.  However, money will never beat strength of character.  If you truly are looking for something intentional, focus primarily on that and the memories that come with it.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will wildlings flee in the same amount of time. Habits aren’t easier to change but I hope some of my learnings become your own, should you find yourself in situations where you feel unsure.  Mainly, I promise, if you’re going through it now, it does get better.  Winter shall not come for us no more!

SB xx 

If you've enjoyed reading this please follow @lifewithoutspanxs or the hashtag #TheIntentionalSeries. All opinions and interactions are welcome; let’s get a discussion going!


1Psychology Today (Avoid Thinking Traps)

CLICK HERE FOR VOL 1 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Be Intentional
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 2 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: The Importance of Chemistry
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 3 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Making The First Move

CLICK HERE FOR VOL 5 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Everyday is Therapy (dealing with heartbreak and going to therapy)

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