SBisms™: The Intentional Series Vol. 3

87 words. 3 profiles. One click. In logical terms, that’s all it’ll take to turn the above paragraph into shooting Lebron-scale shots into the hoops of three eligible bachelors I’ve been admiring for a while. Whilst my words are an amalgamation of why I’m interested in these three men *insert cheeky face here*, the sentiments are the same. I would body-pop with (silent) excitement if I were to go on a date with any one of them. However, in this current dating climate, the conversion to “let’s go on a date” seems less likely than if Lebron asked me out himself. Which leads me to the wider question of the lead up to the date; more specifically, making the first move. 

The many ‘definitions’ of making the first move 

I come from the school of thought that men should make the first move. From my experience, half the fun for men is in the pursuit, in addition to most men (but not all!) becoming more decisive about their feelings if they roll up to a lady first (or slide in the DMs, word to Yo Gotti). However, it seems some of us ladies (but not all!) haven’t been very kind over the years. I cannot deny, the stories I’ve heard from friends give new meaning to the word swerve. So I appreciate where men may be reluctant to instigate conversation. However, where I am harlem shaking in annoyance is the alternative methods that seem to have crept up in recent years. Let me list a few: 

• > “I’m Still Assessing” : So you’ve made a few comments on the grid. Slid in the DMs on a conversational p with flirting to match. But after a month it’s still “Hi, WYD?”. Darling, this is not Israelite journey to relationship. Please grab your meat and two veg, make a judgement call and your intentions known! (Disclaimer: if you have a partner, and you want to slide in the DM in the same manner, don’t. Keep the same energy and write it on the grid. Put some respect on your relationship’s name!) 

• > Snapchat : Bros, I’m going to need you to ask for the number with your chest. If you’re asking sis for the Snapchat with a serious intent, trust me she doesn’t feel the same. It’s either you’re angling for the nudes or she’s angling for some Loubs but you’re both going to lose. 

• > Hot & Cold on the Comms: Many a time, good women have been dissed and dismissed by a lack of consistent communication. If no one has told you before, let me spell it out for you; when you say you’re busy and/or show minimal effort, we’re going to take it as you’re not really interested and/or you’re not ready for a serious relationship. So really, what are you doing with your In’N’Out chat? I can’t speak for all, but for the good, kind, considerate women still out there, we’re not the burger joint that you can dip in and out, quick and messy. Bih. Make the effort if you’re really interested from the onset or keep it Kanye cancelled. 

Ladies, however,  it’s not all down to the men (Shock! Horror! A woman is committing this belief to writing!). Some of this non-committal behaviour has stemmed from the actions (or reactions) we’ve had. I’m guilty of some of these things myself so no finger pointing here, just a few truths to be admitted: 

• > Say what you mean & mean what you say: We’ve all had it ; a guy comes up to you and strikes up a conversation, eventually asking for your number but you know, even if you’re single, your heart is booked and busy. Be honest and say no (politely of course). I know, some guys are mad persistent, but if you don’t have the determination whilst you’re single, how do you build the habit when you’re in a relationship? Two of the many things I’ve learnt over the years are 1. Our intuition rarely fails us and 2. What God has meant for us will never elude us. So don’t be a waste-his-time!

• > “This ain’t it”: So you’ve completely ignored my advice and given him your number (or possibly you were on the fence, I can accept both :P). Once you’re sure that this ain’t it - be honest and let them know. Whether male or female, “people who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel”¹. Ladies, let’s hold ourselves here to the same standards we scream men should meet; when it’s not working for you, cut the chapter short and, more importantly, tell them why. 

•  > “Hungry ain’t happy”: Have you ever gone on a date simply because you know he’ll take you somewhere fancy and pay? I have. Ended up in Zizzi and he wore Nike Air Force 1s because we were going somewhere ‘fancy’. Let’s not do it to ourselves. I’ll refer to Vol. 2 of the Intentional Series here; the level of interest should stems from the person not what they offer. Not only are you essentially wasting your own time if things don’t work out, you could be playing with someone’s future happiness, as could another with your future partner. Hold yourself to the level of Queen you are and can be.

Making The First Move: Just for the men? 

Now we’ve got that out the way, back to shooting your shot. Again, I come from the school of thought that men should make the first move. How-ever. There is room for a woman to take the lead without disturbing the natural balance. Case in point: my experience with #BusBae (I do love a good Bae story 😉). 

On the way to work one day (looking a fresh mess by the way), I encountered a guy who was, quite literally, gorgeous. Let me tell you, that beard alone would have made hair follicles worldwide proud. I wasn’t brave enough to speak to him, but I did (unashamedly) take a little snippet of him to a. prove to myself I wasn’t dreaming and b. give hope to some of the forlorn ladies that this level of symmetrical beauty still exists. Okay, I play, but I had to share my discovery with others. This was duly rewarded with not only a friend knowing who he was but a chance to connect with him on the ‘gram. Honestly, I ummmed and ahhhhed about whether to add his profile; it would be obvious I’d done it for an aesthetic reason, given that I didn’t know him nor was he in the public forum. Then I paused. Here was a guy I was into and could potentially have something in common with and he didn’t know who I was. Why not give him the opportunity to see if he liked me too? By no means was I planning to then bombard him with messages (although he did like my witty line when we connected – result!) but there is still grace in positioning and openness. 

 I know this is not fresh news to some of the ladies reading this. However, if you’re like me, I do think there is still more scope for us to widen the opportunity for men to make the first move, especially when we actually want them to. Whilst rejection is not completely off the table, it gives both parties, if nothing else, the chance to have an enlightening conversation with someone new. Should nothing come of it; that’s okay. Trust me, there is something to be learnt in every experience. I didn’t necessarily get the exact response I wanted from #BusBae but the situation showed me that positive things can happen if you are willing to try something different. Even if it goes left, you can always be proud you tried something new. 


So what’s the conclusion for #Vol3? Men, don’t let rejection get the better of you. There are women (like me!) who still respect a man for trying. Trust me, I know it’s not easy, but your boldness will be rewarded. Ladies, let’s be open. Not just in our understanding of self, and trusting our intuition, but creating opportunities for guys to make the first move. Or even making it yourself if that’s what you want to do; no shame in your game! Remember, ladies and gents; got to have something to tell the kids.