SBisms™: The Intentional Series Vol. 2






What do TLC, Sir-Mix-A-Lot and Aaliyah have in common?  At some stage in their musical career, they’ve all sang about me.  Yes, I confess:  I can be a bit of a creep, I like butts and I cannot lie and age ain’t nothing but a number… between 27 and 35 though because, you know, I’m still someone’s auntie. But tall, bearded, and chocolate-covered? Darling, you had me at breathing. My preferences have been refined over the years (thank God I’ve overcome the ‘Men-doing-acrobats-with-the-English-language’ season) but one element I will debate until the end is the necessity for chemistry.  Why, you ask?  Let me delve in using 3 core elements.

PHYSICALITY

Have you ever met someone and felt an instant attraction? Somewhat intense, no? Or the opposite, where the person is ‘your type on paper’ but something just isn’t clicking? Chemistry, fundamentally, is biological.  Whilst human nature may spark lust at first sight (testosterone and estrogen striving for that family tree!), what ultimately drives us to actively pursue a partner are the much more intentional dopamine and norepinephrine.  Like achieving a personal best at the gym or meeting a work goal, our brain rewards us with these “chemical claps” when we feel we’ve achieved something.  In this case, being with someone you are actively interested in, rather than auntie Ronke’s Oga of the Week or an easy beat, adds more to you.  Don’t feel like you have to settle or devalue your ability to have something real; you’re a premium ting!  One of my favourite experiences of this was the last guy I felt an instant attraction to.  If you know me, you’ll know I am a chatty patty at the best of times but I was rendered so speechless I couldn’t even say his name properly. A group of us hung out over the course of two nights; 3 playlists, 2 shots of patrons and one swimming pool later, we shared a steamy kiss that I still think of and smile.  Whilst pursuing him was far from my mind, I did feel comfortable to share my attraction with him, no reciprocal required, and it actually opened up admission and action on his part – result!

Mild kiss-memory digression aside, where the physicality of attraction bears some fruit, I do also advocate that chemistry cannot remain purely biological.  To continue any interaction just on physical attraction has no real longevity, which is where mentality comes into play.

MENTALITY

Before I’m bashed with heckles of “hypocrisy!”, let me preemptively counteract with one word: balance. Like the quote above, chemistry can be rewarding in its purest form but what gives it its true purpose is its emotional counterpart. In the same way we are all deserving of physical chemistry, emotionally being attuned with someone brings depth to your interactions.  To quote Uncle Ne-Yo “a movement by myself, a force when we’re together”.  However, this comes with the right frame on mind.  Bringing #SwimBae back in the mix (he’d love that), whilst that foundational chemistry was A1, emotionally we clicked in some areas and were polarised in others. However, what I think was our biggest learning curve was understanding that chemistry or attraction, is not for power play.  I remember attending an amazing programme called Relate in 2016 and Pastor Bimbo saying a sentence that has stayed with me ever since; “There are relationships that are independent, there are relationships that are dependent.  What you want is a relationship which is interdependent”.  

 To allow emotional chemistry to flourish, there will be elements of vulnerability to the other person.  This can be hard, especially if you’ve been hurt by a sexy something in the past but learn from that past experience! Become a stronger person from it, confident in what you need and whether you yourself possess it. Then, in time, allow yourself to be open to another. Don’t play it safe, or worse, reach for someone who will not challenge you and help you develop.  Let’s create synergy in our interactions; we’re all capable of it.   

SPIRITUALLY

Be it demonstrated through man-made poetry or biblically, a part of the chemistry we feel is evoked from our spirit to fulfill a loving courtship.  Don’t let any Auntie Ronke hype your spirit into believing otherwise o!   The examples I draw to for this is the Woman in the book of Song of Solomon.  From the very beginning of their courtship, the Woman is very expressive of her attraction to her partner; 
which is reciprocated by her King:

Firstly; d’aww!  But more importantly, this is a clear example of chemistry being a driving force from their first interaction to their marriage.  Even with her insecurity in being accepted by the King, she still pressed forward and, yes, sis secured the bag! With the challenges that can arise from attraction and lust, I understand why some err to the side of caution.  However, chemistry as a whole is not the issue, but a lack of understanding of needing that balance between physically being attracted to someone and emotionally going at the right pace.  Let’s not be dismissive of attraction as a spiritual narrative but rather gain our own understanding of chemistry and how it can be developed healthily.  I’ll end this element on this scripture:
God’s got you, boo.


So let’s conclude; we’re down with che-mis-try? I hope this answer is “yeah, you know me!”. Chemistry is not just physical, nor emotional and not doused in sin.  The multifaceted nature of attraction allows for everyone to make it their own.  What’s essential to understand is the role chemistry plays in developing better relationships.  

If you've enjoyed reading this please follow @lifewithoutspanxs or the hashtag #TheIntentionalSeries. All opinions and interactions are welcome; let’s get a discussion going!

SB xx

 Sources: Harvard University (Physicality), Psychology Today (Mentality)

 CLICK HERE FOR VOL 1 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Be Intentional
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 3 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Making The First Move
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 4 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: The 101 (the basics of dating)
CLICK HERE FOR VOL 5 OF THE INTENTIONAL SERIES: Everyday is Therapy (dealing with heartbreak and going to therapy)

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